Grown Wrong

I am Herclapese!

2011-11-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

My name is Herclapese, and I built the Great Sphinx of Giza. I’m not surprised you’ve never heard of me. Outside of a few friends, family, and those who read the Tablet-iods, it isn’t very well known who built it. Well I’m here to tell you, that as far as I’m concerned, I built it! Sure, Pharaoh Khafre commissioned the structure and hundreds of people labored for years on the project, but someone had to unite those polar opposite forces together. That’s where I, Herclapese, Project Manager of G.S. Construction came into play. I was the mechanism that transformed a ruler’s wishes into a tangible object.

In June of 2,551 B.C.E., Pharaoh Khafre wanted to build a Great Cat in front of the pyramid he was building in Giza. Everything in Egypt that year was cat this and cat that. I couldn’t begin to count how many meetings we had just to get the basic design settled. One evening my wife came to me with an idea her brother had come up with; a Sphinx. I took a chance and stuck my neck out for him, the first of many, and showed his design to the Pharoh. Now an Androsphinx is a creature with the body of a lion and the head of a man. The Pharaoh took to it immediately. Khafre really liked the idea of the Sphinx, probably think because it meant he could place his face on the body of a lion. The lion, after all, is the king of all cats. Designing the face came with challenges. Carving the long, thin beard off the end of his chin made for a very heavy and unsupported appendage. I warned that it was only a matter of time before it broke. We also spent the better part of a season trying to sculpt the nose. It was worked and reworked over and over. But I have to say, the end product came out pretty perfect; a perfect nose in the likeness of Khafre to last the ages. We finally had our design. This is the first of many examples of my influence on this project.

The Sphinx had many needs that had to be considered; size, location, position, function, cost and time frame. The idea was to create a sculpted figure to contrast against the sharp linear lines of the pyramids behind it. The sphinx was located in the quarry used to supply soft limestone building blocks for the pyramids. We wanted to remove rock instead of stack rock. Our layout allowed for a 60ft tall by 240ft long structure. The sphinx itself would be the upper visible part of a much larger building. Under the body we carved out a series of burial chambers, meeting rooms, and private storerooms; lots of storage actually, crates and crates of frankincense and myrrh.

Now the balancing act that is the art of a Project Manager begins; cost vs. product. How large can I build it so that it solves the Pharaoh’s wishes, but doesn’t bankrupt the nation or stall the project? This wasn’t actually all that hard. Working for the top dog does come with a few advantages. He controlled all the wealth in the region and re-negotiations with greedy vendors were non-existent because the choice really came down to, “Do it or die.” Labor costs were slight, not exactly zero, but slight thanks to slavery. Sure, we didn’t pay 97% of the workers, but in order to motivate them we had to pay some men to whip the others. I also had to maintain working conditions that promoted efficient work. We paid to keep the workers hydrated and fed. Luckily I was able to get a cart of manna for next to nothing. So just as long as I kept the working conditions on the jobsite just good enough that work was still a better option than death, we had very few issues. Other potential costs and hold-ups like permits, licenses, and inspections were handled with phenomenal ease. I tell you what; it’s good to be the king! (or Pharaoh in this case…)

A major curve ball thrown at me in the middle of the project was that Khafre wanted a second Great Sphinx built. He decided that a sphinx should always come as a pair. This particular pair was to face each other from across the Nile River to delineate Northern and Southern Egypt. The figure of a sphinx certainly caught on throughout the nation. Pairs were used to line city avenues, adorn entrances to sacred chambers, and intimidate visitors. There were even a couple of other variations of the sphinx created; the Criosphinx (body of a lion, head of a ram) and the Hieracosphinx (body of a lion, head of a hawk). I tried to explain that this was more difficult than just doubling our efforts. A whole new plan of attack was needed. I built the original Great Sphinx in the shadow of the Khafre pyramid using giant stones left over in the quarry used to build the pyramids. Instead of hauling in rock we were able to carve into the existing limestone and create a monolithic sculpture. Over on the other side of the river, I’ve got no such luck. There was no way I was going to be able to haul 50 ton stones that kind of distance and over a river. So the plan was to construct The Great Sphinx II out of clay and reinforce it with large exterior rocks called facing stones. This would give G.S.II the same appearance and size of G.S.I, but unfortunately not near the strength, durability, and longevity.

Every now and again I had problems with the neighboring construction sites stealing tools and supplies. Not even a few hundred feet away, Egypt’s Great Pyramids were being constructed. They had monster builds on their hands while mine was more of a precision sculpture in comparison. Because there were so many differences in the projects, a rivalry was formed. On many occasions food or tools would go missing. We had an excellent materials management program, so I know we didn’t misplace them. One particular summer morning, we came into work and discovered that every one of our copper saws and chisels were gone. Copper was the best and most expensive and I knew for a fact that the pyramid project couldn’t afford to supply their own workforce with them. I sent two of my field leads over to do a little investigating. They saw at least 40 of our saws being used instead of their own flint versions. I could not allow this to continue. I grabbed 35 of my worst tempered and hard to manage slaves, armed them, and ordered them to collect our tools. I told them for every chisel they could grab, a day off. For every slave they could capture, I’d give them a day of double rations. Three and a half hours later, 8 of my slaves had been killed along with 48 of theirs. All of my saws had been recovered plus, we captured 28 of their workers. To safeguard against an organized retaliation, I had to triple the number of guards protecting the site, but we never again had supplies go missing anywhere near those numbers.

The Great Sphinx was an amazing project to be a part of. And to tell the truth, I don’t mind that I’ll probably never get any recognition for creating it. I didn’t build it to become famous. I built it to become rich! I made a killing on this project. I, nor any member of my family, ever had to work again for many generations. That was payment enough. Sure, I didn’t order the project and I didn’t perform any of the manual labor, but make no mistake… without Herclapese, Project Manager of G.S. Construction, The Great Sphinx of Giza would not exist.

Tales from Delghetto...

2011-01-30T17:59:00.000-08:00

I think I ran into the "Big Man On Campus" the other day. As I was walking from Physics to Biology I came across a tall, black gentleman dressed in knee-high argyle socks, red basketball shorts and a sleeveless denim vest. He was drinking a bottle of Spumoni champagne right out of a brown paper bag.

Just in case this didn't attract enough attention, he was pursuing any girls that walked past him. As I walked past i could over hear his, "Game." "Hey girl, I like your hair. Could you do that to my hair?" "What's your name? Can I get your number?" Courting made simple folks!

Step one: Compliment the girl.
Step two: Get her name.
Step three: Ask for her number. DONE & DONE!

Alabama Governor protecting our coast.

2010-06-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

Alabama Governor Bob Riley has traveled from his ivory palace in The Gump to L.A. (as in Lower Alabama for my non-redneck readers...) Ol' Bob has been quite busy as of late. Yesterday he held a press conference, today he was involved in a flight over the gulf, and tomorrow entails of a possible meeting with Admiral Thad Allen.

Bob is here with a clear a powerful message, “There will be absolutely NO BINGO off the coast of my fine state!” “Not on a boat, not on a barge nor tanker, and not even on an oily Brown Pelican's butt!”

As you may or may not know, (depending upon whether or not you live in Alabama and are forced to watch local “news”) Gov. Riley has done little else in his 8 year tenure than to battle it out with bingo halls across the state. Diligently fighting to keep this state, and your children, safe from blue-haired ladies and non-Indian habitual gamblers.

Governor Riley wields the awesome might of an Anti-Gambling Task Force comprised of State Troopers. As seen in the picture below, the Task Force has been outfitted with amphibious gear for their new challenge off the Alabama Coast.

“You see that 3 miles of water? That is MY water. 3 miles of good, Christian Family Values water; and I won't allow it to be polluted with BINGO!” - Gov. Bob Riley

My buddy Capt. Christian is a news reporting fool!

2010-05-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Worried about the oil spill as much as I am? Well this Capt. tells it like it is from ground zero. He and I weathered Hurricane Katrina together 4 1/2 years ago, and I'm dying to get back to LA. to experience this catastrophic event first hand as well! Well at least I have a direct line to the situation, for the time being, through my friend.

I love dogs! Don't want to date them though...

2010-04-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

On to Chi-Chi... this girl was pretty, the right size, & completely nutty! She was going through a divorce, which I do have sympathy for... up to a point, but after meeting her, I actually feel sorry for her Ex. Well maybe I should feel happy for him since he's getting away from this handful. Chi-Chi whispered issues. Not screamed them as some people do, but kinda whispered them. They were definitely there, but you had to be watchful for them. If you looked closely, you could definitely see CRAZY behind the eyes.

Chi-Chi was not only going through a divorce, but she had also been engaged once before. Engaged to an old friend of mine, come to find out!?! What are the odds? Funny thing is, I always kinda thought he was gay! Maybe he was planning on pulling a Rock Hudson kinda deal. For my younger audience, if you don't catch that reference please click here to enlighten yourself.

This poor girl was a little snippy and very defensive. Reminded me of a pound puppy with an abused history. She made reference to her boobs a lot. They were good boobs... but if a “lady” is gonna talk about her own chest that much, I expect chiseled perfection!

She popped in a few times the nights I was bartending in New Orleans. I invited her once. The other times were, well... a surprise. But I have to say the final date sealed her fate. (I guess it is usually the FINAL date that does it!?! Unless you throw someone another “Pity” date for some reason)

This date night (it was either date 3 or 4) consisted of pizza and a movie at my house. Not fancy, but I'm a lazy boy. She arrived at my house with pizza in hand. Well almost pizza... if you've never tried Naked Pizza then don't! Maybe it's just me but I like my pizza to taste good and unhealthy. This does not. Might as well just eat tofu and sprouts and stop kidding yourself! But I digress... Not only did she bring the pizza, she also brought her Chihuahua. This animal blew goats! It was a possessive man-hater. GREAT idea to bring to a date. (this little fellow pictured here would have been much funnier)

The evening went so well that I fell asleep on the couch mid-movie, which I never do. I woke up during the credits and discovered that Crazy was outside loading up the dog in her car. She came back in and made some snarky comments or something!?! I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.. Got to give her credit for taking a hint though!

The funny part was that after she left I realized that she took the leftover pizza with her. It was crappy pizza so no big loss... But who does that?

Large, Glorious Hands!

2010-04-09T09:49:00.001-07:00

Let the dating continue... Do I start with the girl that could palm my head like a basketball or the one with the Chihuahua? To protect the innocent I'll give them code names. How about... Kareem and Chi-Chi?!?

Kareem was very nice and easy to talk to. Good job, pretty face, but lots to love. Yeah, lots to love. Met her for drinks a couple of times. Never could manage to have enough drinks though... One time, the last time, we met for drinks and I suggested we walk across the street and get some dinner. That restaurant happened to be one of my favorites, so I over-ate. When I over-eat I get dinner belly. And when Waldo gets dinner belly, Waldo gets sleepy.

As I was walking her back to her car I let her know that I was getting tired and didn't have any energy left to stay out. I said I was probably just gonna go home and watch a movie. Hind-sight I should have said, “Go home to wash my hair,” or “Read a book.” I guess she thought I was talking code for, “Come back to my place.” Kareem said she was gonna just follow me home in her car... Dammit!

Well as we watched a movie she stroked my head. Her fingers could touch the top of one of my ears while her thumb could touch the other. That's some big hands! When bed time came, she slept right next to me. Fully clothed, skirt, sweater, and all!

Lessons learned from this date...

I like to date girls that are able to fit in a hot tub with me.

I don't like having my head 'Palmed.” So that rules out any WNBA players in the future.

Girls are just as dense as guy when it comes to taking hints.

Lazy boy. (pt. 1 of ∞)

2010-04-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

I really need to get to posting! It's been awhile. I've met to... but just haven't gotten around to it yet. So instead, out of guilt, I attempt to band-aid my slack with this. Stop judging me internet! I DON'T NEED THIS PRESSURE. Well maybe I'll get around to it this weekend? probably not... but tomorrow could prove boring enough during the day while I wait for someone to get off work. Ok, it's settled, blog post tomorrow!

piece

Waldo's Health-Care Reform 2010

2010-03-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

Allow me to submit the preliminary framework for my plan, “Waldo's Health-Care Reform.” Not perfect by a long shot, but hey! I came up with this in 2 hours... imagine if I had 2 years!

Ok, so first I tried to identify the basic groups of people in this country that have different needs out of a Health Care Plan.

Uninsured,
Illegals,
Un-Insurable,
Below Poverty Line,
Self-Employed,
Middle Class Self Insured,
Small Companies,
Big Business

It almost seems like these groups can be placed into 3 larger categories. Need Help, Need Help, and Need Help. No seriously, the uninsured, illegals, poverty stricken and the un-insurable need help that doesn't drain the rest of the American citizens' pockets. We'll call them Category A. Category B consists of the Middle-Class and the Self-Employed. They need help by keeping conditions favorable for insurance companies to offer a variety of insurance plans. They cannot be burdened with additional costs to support those in Category A. And finally we have Category H. I skipped a few letters cause I figure if I give this a few more hours thought, I'll dream up some more groups and I'll need the spare letters. In Category H we have the business and group health insurance plans. The help they need is affordability and incentives to pay for 75% of their employees' health-care premiums. If health-care becomes “Required by Law,” then it becomes less of a “Benefit” that they can offer to entice the best of the best to work for them.

I'm going to list and define the following Categories, with the Groups they consist of, and the plans and programs I've created;

Category A:

Uninsured: Medical Debt Account
Illegals: Emergency/Lifesaving Services, Time of Service Pre-payment
Un-Insurable: Medical Debt Account, Private Charity Funds, Medical Expense Deferment Program
Below Poverty Line: Medical Debt Account

Category B:

Middle-Class Self Employed: Private Insurance Company Policies, Health Savings Plans, Flexible Spending Plans
Self-Employed: Private Insurance Company Policies, Health Savings Plans, Flexible Spending Plans, Group Plans made-up of Self-Employed Individuals

Category H:

Small Companies: Small – Medium policies where the cost per person is calculated on a sliding scale based on the actual number of employees, Medical Research Contribution Program
Big Business: Large policies with lower per employee premiums, Medical Research Contribution Program

Medical Debt Account:
A typical co-pay with the balance of the medical service going into a patient's separate medical account. The account will follow the patient but not effect their credit-worthiness. The debt will be paid off by automatic deductions taken from income instead of medicaid/medicare deductions. Different percentages and co-pays will apply to Emergency Services vs. Scheduled Visits. While the medical facility holds the debt, they will be afforded government tax breaks to compensate the financial deficit.

Competitive Medical Market:
To encourage lower medical service costs, the government will set up cost comparison sites for patients. These sites will allow people to more easily compare health-care costs between providers in their local communities. This also creates a layer of transparency among the system. Providers that can offer their services at least 12% below the regional average while also maintaining an industry established level of quality will receive federal funds grants, tax incentives, and be eligible for government employee health-care contracts.

Medical Research Contributions:
Contributions made by businesses and companies for medical research would not only incur tax deductions, but they also will receive federal funding to assist in off-setting high premiums of company provided employee health-care coverage.

Un-Insurable Medical Expense Deferment Program:
(Now this is the most difficult group to help. Figures that they are also in the most need. The reason they cannot get insurance is because they are in a no win situation for the insurance companies, not to mention the patients themselves. But even my heartless, conservative butt thinks that they deserve the best health-care available in the U.S. or the Orient. If left to private insurance companies, this group's premiums would be way too high and all the inevitable losses would be passed on to other policy holders in the form of increased premiums for all. This is a case where I think the government is going to have to step in.)

I propose a program that combines federal funding along with special bare bones medical service and prescription drug costs. By volume, medical facilities will be required to charge this lower cost to a set maximum number of patients that are considered un-insurable due to pre-existing conditions. Should the number exceed the maximum, regular charges would be applied. The federal government would be responsible for all charges for this group's medical treatment.

Applogies for the interuption....

2010-03-13T10:22:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately job hunting has taken priority over blogging for the past week or so. I have been sketching out a couple of ideas for future posts, but they are no where near ready yet.

Speaking of job searching, if anyone has any GOOD ideas/opportunities for me... please help a brotha out. It is sucky out there for an employment-deficient person right now. Hey, the sooner I can get a job... the sooner I can fill this blog with sarcastic gooey-ness.

Hmmm, maybe I'll post my resume, along with my qualifications and skill sets, on here soon?!? OR... if someone wants to just write me a huge check! That'll work too!

Date Numero Uno!

2010-03-03T08:04:00.000-08:00

I started this whole process on the right foot... too bad my right foot was about 40 mins late! My first date called me from our agreed meeting place, Cafe Du Monde, 20 minutes after I was supposed to be there. I should have been pissed that she woke me up! But since she was cool about waiting for me to get up, get dressed, and get there, I figured I'd let her slide.

Little background about this girl... early 20's, hairdresser (1^st red flag), only head shots on her match.com profile (red flag #2). Come to think of it, early 20's was another red flag that I ignored.

I'd like to state for the record that this girl was very nice. She did wait 40 mins for me to finally show up for our coffee date and she greeted me with a smile instead of a swift kick to the balls. But after seeing her in person... I'm not quite sure if 5'2” meant height or width?!? Ohhh Snap!

Out of guilt, I asked her to lunch. I didn't want to eat the French Quarter tourist crap... so I went the complete other direction and picked the Bourbon House. Way too pricey... what was I thinking??? Well what I was thinking was that after walking for 15 minutes through the quarter (her legs were so short and she walked so slow... I felt like I was walking backwards to keep her pace) I was melting from the heat. And that damn fancy restaurant looked like it had some damn fancy air-conditioning!

Needless to say, I think within 4 hours this very nice girl got my first, “I had a wonderful time meeting you but....” It's good to figure out your let-down style early on. You're gonna use it often! I suggest creating a template if email is your preferred delivery method. Text is good too. I figure that after just one date that a phone call isn't really required in this day and age. Ya found each other through technology... end it the same way!

Lessons Learned from Date #1:

-if you can't see anything more than a head shot in their profile, maneuver yourself into becoming facebook friends... usually more reveling photos there!
-be honest with yourself, if you are shallow like me then don't act you're not. If appearances are important don't waste your time or your money pretending you're not. Vet your dates!

Curling is cool... so back off with the Lame Jokes!

2010-02-25T22:33:00.000-08:00

Anyone that makes fun of Curling is an unoriginal, predictable lemming. I've been hearing the unimaginative make fun of it since it became an official Olympic sport in 98. Even that old dinosaur, Andy Rooney, was making fun of it the other night. That guy is more annoying than funny or insightful. I put him in the same category as Judge Judy.

First off, Curling is from Scotland. That should make it cool enough! It was invented like a few hundred years ago or something by a bunch of frozen-butted Scots! Wanna know some other bad-ass things that came from Scotland? "Yes Waldo, tell us, tell us!"

My Grandfather
Sean Connery
Sherlock Holmes
Dr. Jekyll
Gerald Butler
Whisky
Golf
Television
U.S. Navy
the decimal point
Telephone
Penicillin
& Fake Sheep... all Bad Ass Stuff!

Some of the very people that I've heard make fun of Curling are the very same people that enjoy games of skill in bars like darts or.... wait for it.... shuffleboard!

I know, I know... “Darts isn't an Olympic event...” but table tennis is, and that's pretty much a game of just skill. Curling is move physical than either of these. Those rocks are heavy! Its a team sport... and the playing surface is very delicate and complicated to maintain. The argument could be made that these players aren't athletes or that Curling isn't a sport. Is Speed walking, Badminton or Synchronized Swimming?

Now I'm gonna give you, “Waldo's Wun-Down of the Wules!”

Ok, the game goes like this... 4 people on a team; a tosser, 2 sweepers, and a spotter. (I might be making up these terms but I'm not real big on vocabulary words so bare with me) The tosser “tosses” the stone (more like slides, Ok, definitely like slides) down the... board or whatever they call it?!? Get this, the tosser wears 2 different kinds of shoes, one slippy shoe, the other has traction for pushing off the block to start their slide, or approach, down the ice.

Once the stone is released, the sweepers go to work. The sweeping action does 2 important things; control the speed and direction of the rock. The faster the sweeping... the faster and straighter the rock travels. Cause you see, the stone has a natural tendency to “Curl” off track. Wait, do you think this might be where the name comes from?

The 4th man, or woman, on the team, Das Spotter, shouts instructions to the sweepers. He, or she, also uses a stopwatch to quickly calculate the speed that the rock is traveling. That's pretty cool! Math and stuff.

All the team members work together on the intricate strategy of the game. Sometimes they want to get the stone as close as possible to the center ring of the board in order to score a point. And at other times they want to smack the opponents' rocks out of the way. And yet at other times they might wish to play defense and block the other team's path to score or protect their own stones... Ya know, it's kinda a man's built in instinct to protect his stones, primal in a way.

From what I can tell the scoring is exactly the same as the scoring in bar shuffleboard. If you don't know how that works then I suggest you take your butt down to a bar that has shuffleboard like The Kingpin or Bruno's in New Orleans, order a beer, and give it a shot! Or take a shot! I don't really care...

I found a great reference to Curling in one of comedian Lewis Black's bits, “Is oral sex adultery? YES! If Curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. Oral sex should be an Olympic sport, because it's harder than Curling and if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal."

So unless you can come up with a Curling joke of at least this caliber... Lay Off Curling! Go pick on that skiing/rifle shooting crap.

6RP3DW9XMFMY

Winter Olympics 2010

2010-02-24T20:14:00.000-08:00

A non-snowy, rainy, hot Winter Olympics... Thanks again El Nino! But I don't want to “Diss” on Canada for not providing these athletes with the best possible conditions, which by the way is totally their responsibility, cause the announcers and reporters have already done an excellent job of that. Instead, I would like to mention a few observations about some of the most notable of competitors.

Apolo Ohno (you know, Michael Phelps new boy-toy) is FAST! Like, lickity-split fast on the ice. He's all over those Koreans this year, in front of them, behind them, and even in-between them. And our buddy Apolo doesn't just collect boring old gold medals like his beau Michael, he's been snatching up bronze and silver medals too. You know, if those two decided to have a kid, can you even imagine how fast Baby Ohno-Phelps would be? in OR on the water? But Ol' Mike better watch out... my prediction is that Apolo will bring Phelps down just like his grandmother brought down the Beatles!

Kelly Clark is no Kelly Clarkson! Either one of two things needs to happen... either someone needs to staple her mouth shut when she listens to her iPod prior to her runs, (Haha, I said “her runs”) or keep the freaking microphone off her! Come on NBC, Fox would never make this mistake... (Pants On the Ground) I can see how she got into skiing. If I was standing anywhere near her during her sing-a-longs, I'd feel obligated to push her off a mountain.

I hate Lindsey Vonn – and I would love to smack that cocky, smug look off her face.

What we have here is another “Anna Kornikova Phenomenon,” and I don't mean, “Really good at her sport and worth a whole bunch of press.”

Get shin splints and have blond hair; hold the presses, we've got front page news.
Get shin splints and happen to be a brunette; Who cares?
Have blond hair and the cameras follow you everywhere.
Have brown hair a you'd be lucky to get noticed if you skied down the hill upside down and naked!(Ok, so I'm kinda a fan of brunettes... ya got me!)

This girl skies down a hill and gets a great time to edge her teammate, Julia Mancuso,

right out of the gold medal position... and then flips her S**T! Crying and reflecting and going on and on.... I'm not being a Scrooge and pooping on an Olympic Athlete for reaching a goal she has no doubt been dreaming about her whole life, but she gushed on like she had just cured cancer, solved the JFK conspiracy and invented a way to beam TV directly into your brain. (Ok, maybe I'm the only one amazed with that)

Basically this girl LOVES attention and is way too obvious about it. She even got quoted on the record making fun of Tiger Woods' apology the other night. “Tiger, you're like my idol, and I too have a sex problem.”
Haha, you thought you had a gold in the Super G didn't you slut? Nope, thanks to her competitor's coach changing the hill a day before, Hooker Vonn played it too safe on the bottom half. Sounds like crazy cheating but Winter Sports have some nutty rules. I like it!

Just Wednesday, Vonn wiped-out on the Giant Slalom and not only ruined her chances for a medal, but possibly hurt Julia's as well. By wiping-out so colossally... she couldn't get off the mountain quick enough to prevent Julia's run from being stopped. Yep, halfway into her run, she was waved off to start again... Talk about breaking your focus! Lindsey should be treated like a race horse with a broken leg... take her out back and shoot her!

Well until she shows up naked either skiing, in Playboy, or in my living room... I hate Lindsey Vonn! (and this doesn't cut it!)

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Hell Froze Over...

2010-02-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

& I blame the American Public, Colt McCoy and The Who Dat Nation. What we have is a trifecta of unlikely outcomes over the past year or so that individually are of no big concern, but together... have set into motion a chain of disturbing events.

Most recently hell, or the northeast as some call it, has literally frozen over. On a positive note, we might have just found a replacement habitat for the victims of global warming!

Gregstodamous's predictions of the inevitable repercussions that we will have to endure...

The President's wife now has the authority to institute a national fitness program for children. This will no doubt increase their nutritional content before she feeds on them.

Taking the lead of the classiest college in America, all future awards and trophies awarded to anyone will go on a cross country display tour in such fine stores as Wal-Mart, Piggly Wiggly and Circle K. Maybe we'll all be lucky enough to get a cross-over and get a chance to see Obama's Nobel Peace Prize displayed at a local Check Cashing Counter or Pawn Shop!?!

New Orleans resident's will now be so filled with glee that business productivity will be non-existent and drinking will be constant. Ok, so maybe not a lot of change going on here... But, they were so drunk that they did accidentally elect a white mayor!?!

Sum Online Dating... and sum other chit too!

2010-02-11T16:23:00.000-08:00

RELAX!!! Not all of my posts are gonna be about online dating. I will eventually run out of material seeing as I have retired my debonair profile after 6 months. But I want to share with ya an outline of my hi-jinx that I'll be writing about. I mean, after all I did make a freakin OUTLINE! Why not share it? (my grade school teachers would be so proud! I still don't make bibliographies though...)

I. Intro
II. Setting up your profile
III. Guess who was late for his first date?
IV. The Damn Chihuahua
V. She palmed my head like a basketball
VI. A couple of nice girls
VII. Damn Auto-Renewal
VIII. "The One" or "The Keeper"
IX. Changing my profile to "Ludicrous Speed" and nearly going into plaid.

Part 1 of ???: Setting Up Your Online Profile

2010-02-10T17:58:00.001-08:00

Before you start your holy quest for “The One,” (which, by the way, is a phrase/term that is so overly over-used on the online dating scene that I recommend avoiding it like the plague) you have to make a couple of semi-important decisions. One of those decisions being... which online dating service should you use? I took a look at Chemistry and eHarmony but they asked way too many questions for my short attention span to handle. Supposedly they really structure the “meet'n greet” process as well. I was looking for more of a “meat market” kinda thing going on! I had an assistant give me a hand “researching” the various sites... And now thanks to her, I have guys send me messages from chemistry addressed to “J.” She used her info and my email address!?! I don't even know how to log on and cancel.

I signed up with Match.com and also gave JDate a shot. I know you're thinking... “But Greg, JDate is for Jewish folk.” Yeah, yeah, well there are lots of non-Jewish people people on this site. They seem to be extra aggressive with the instant messaging, and we all know what specialty the Jewish ladies are known for! ;) But sadly the New Orleans Jewish population is a little sparse unless you count the Tulane crowd. Speaking of Tulane... I have a new slogan for the school like I'd like to propose; “Tulane, half the academic requirements of Harvard or Yale... same great price!”

After rejecting several refined methods of selection such as; The Coin Toss, Rock Paper Scissors, (Bear, Ninja, Cowboy for Bill) or Drawing Straws... my decision basically came down to quality of Eye-Candy. I know, I know, profound. Well, now I have a website. Nice to meet ya Match.com. So what's next? I'll tell you what... lot's of writing about yourself. I did seem to have a knack for that! But if you come down with a case of writer's block, I suggest looking at some other peoples' profiles and then, DON'T WRITE THAT! There are a lot of complete morons on these sites. One technique to spot the idiots, look for dudes that took their own picture in a mirror topless or in a sleeveless shirt.

Try not to be Capt'n Obvious in your description of your self or what you're looking for. I mean, who doesn't want someone with a sense of humor? Dexter or Larry David maybe? And I understand that everyone loves dogs, (actually I dated a girl, one of the dune-buggys, that didn't like dogs or eat meat! She basically had the traits of a goat. In fact, I referred to her quite often as a goat) but do you really need to make 3 out of your 5 profile pics of your dog? Can't say I ever dated a girl because of what her dog looked like. There are also a million multiple choice questions to answer as well. Are you into motocross? Surprisingly a lot of people are! At least according to their profiles they are!?! Actually it would be kinda cool to meet a bad-ass girl with some road rash across her face! Scars are cool.

If any of you out there decide to give this a try, I'd be more than happy to help you put a little creative spin on your profile. Or at least proof read it and help you to not look like the kind of tool that needs to go online to find a date! :)

One step shy of a Mail-Order-Bride. (Intro)

2010-02-09T16:31:00.001-08:00

I almost choked on my foot the first time I was asked if I met the girls that I date on the internet. But that can happen when you put your foot in your mouth! Although with enough Ranch Dressing, that wouldn't be all that bad.

My story begins over a beer this past summer with an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. I met up with her and her then fiance, now husband, and was asked a rather innocent question.

“How do you meet girls, online?”

My knee-jerk response was, “No, I don't stalk chicks on Face Book or anything!”

[but I mean, sometimes I do, shhhh]

In my head I immediately flashed to an image of a 54 yr old balding virgin, typing away in a chat-room, mere days away from a personal introduction to Chris Hansen. [that reminds me... go here to buy one of my Chris Hansen T-Shirts] To my utter shock my friend's fiance responded,

“That's how we met.” Ouch! Can I get that side of Ranch now please?

Well this enlightenment kinda got me curious... I mean, what is actually wrong with searching for someone through one of the online dating sites? It does come with a stigma, sort of, but that is quickly becoming a thing of the past. Is it any weirder than Speed Dating? Or blind dates for that matter? Believe it or not, I've actually grown tired of meeting the drunk and doped up chicks at bars.

To quote a good friend of mine, “Those kind of girls are like dune-buggys. They are a lot of fun to take out and ride hard for the weekend, but completely impractical. What you want in life is a good, dependable Accord or Camry.” [ok, maybe not so much the Camry anymore... This advice is about a year old]

Ok, well in the up-coming posts, I'm gonna walk ya through my online dating experience. My successes, [actually my one success, one is all you need] and my mistakes and wacky experiences. Maybe you'll want to give it a shot sometime, or after reading this... you might not! Hell, even if you're married there are dating sites for adulterers like AshleyMadison.com!!! Yep, I'm not making this up.